Posts Tagged ‘olympics’

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Doubles Lugers are People Too

March 1, 2010

Chris Moffat, 88 sweater, and Mike Moffat

I hereby propose a moratorium on making fun of the sport of doubles luge. While no sport has opened itself up to more ridicule since ski ballet, we have to remember these lugers are, in fact, high performance athletes.

I was lucky enough to meet the Moffat brothers, who compete for Canada in doubles luge. They were admiring my 1988 Olympic Sweater at a party, and that started a conversation. Turns out Mike Moffat is a big fly fisherman, and recently caught his first Steelhead on the Squamish during the Games. That’s no easy task.

Mike and I even discussed hitting up the Bow River the next time I’m in Calgary. In a Jerry Seinfeld/Keith Hernandez moment, he gave me his card, and we parted ways. But don’t be surprised if we’re floating the Bow one day, possibly in the same boat.

Not a word out of you, Ian Day.

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Put me on TV!

February 27, 2010

Like anyone, I go to Olympic events to a) Get on TV, b) eat overpriced hot dogs, and c) maybe watch some sports. So I was pretty excited about thinking up this particular sign for the Norway vs. Canada curling match. Team Martin (Canada) are famous for their flashy shots while Team Jensrud (Norway) are famous for their flashy pants. Pants that have over half a million fans on a Facebook fan page.

In case you don't get it, it's Canada (Team Martin) vs. Norway (Team Clown Pants)

Just as the sign was about to pass through the security checkpoint, an eagle-eyed VANOC volunteer woman flagged it for “illegal advertising”. Technically, the “martinizing” logo wasn’t part of the Olympic family, making it as illegal as Human Growth Hormone. I tried to reason with them, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I had a better chance at smuggling in a bomb at that point.

Here’s me, right before I had to throw it out:

I cursed VANOC under my breath, and over my breath, for the next 3 hours. Fortunately, team Canada lessened the hurt with a decisive win. In the end, the pants didn’t stand a chance.

Fast forward to later that evening, when I happened to be at a party where Kevin Martin showed up. I happened to have a picture of the sign on my camera and showed it to him. Without hyperbole, he LOVED it. He even LOL’d for a good 5-7 seconds. “How can I reward you for your gold medal worthy wordplay?” he asked. “Maybe just a picture,” I said.

Take that, VANOC.

(Thanks to Chris Moore for the Art Direction)

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The Irish Bobsled Team, and the Art of Aerodynamics

February 24, 2010

Claire Bergin and 6ft 4inch Aoife Hoey training for the Games

Many who watched the Irish Bobsleigh team in their first two heats yesterday might have wondered how two girls can be more than 3 seconds back of the lead time. The answer might lie with driver and vowel-abuser Aoife Hoey, who stands at 6ft 4, making her the tallest girl at the Games.

Watching her climb in the sled is like watching Andre the Giant climb into a mini. Watching her go down the track with her head sticking out so high makes me want to play Whac-a-mole. Still, they’re ahead of the Russians, and close behind the Australians, who tried to have them punted from the event before the Olympics. Despite my criticisms, they’re my favourite non-contending team of these Games. I hope they smoke those boxing Kangaroos. Still, I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a submarine slowly meander down the track with a fully extended periscope.

(Thanks to Colin Hart for the photoshop magic)

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Parallel skis, parallel universes (by Marcus McLaughlin)

February 24, 2010


Apart from sharing the same name (compare them out loud, really, go on, it’s fun), these two fine gentlemen have much in common. Both have a fetish for well-cut grey pants. Both are yet to live up to their earlier promise. Both are partial to sharing shellfish with older women. Ashton / Anton, on behalf of all Global Villagers, I salute you for enriching our lives.

Learn more about Ashton’s private life here. http://twitter.com/

Learn more about Anton’s private life here. http://www.noc.by//

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The Irish Bobsleigh Team (by Anna Ryan)

February 23, 2010

Another story from our Irish correspondent, Anna Ryan, giving us a glimpse into the psyche of the Irish Women’s Bobsleigh Team the night before the big race.

I attach some rare professional video footage of the lesser known Irish women’s bobsleigh team to mark their inaugral participation in this fine event on Tuesday and Wednesday night. For your added viewing pleasure, try counting the number of times lady bosleigher on the left says “you know” during the interview.

Additional fun fact; Ireland’s Aoife Hoey, of the aforementioned “you know” fame, is also the tallest female athlete in the Winter Games at an impressive 6”4, which is roughly the same height as the Inukshuk on English Bay. Extended thanks go out to the nations of Australia and Brazil for their valiant, but ultimately failed efforts to get the Irish ladies booted out of the bobsleigh event. I hope Aoife stands on you accidentally.

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Oprah’s fans go apeshit!

February 19, 2010

I can’t help but think that Oprah’s audience heard “Red” and just stopped listening, hoping the second part would be “Honda Civic”. Had they controlled their shit long enough to let her finish, they would’ve heard “mittens” followed by “that retail for $10″ followed by “and will only be worn by homeless people a month from now.”

You get mittens, you get mittens, everyone gets miiiiitttteeeeennnns!

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An Open Letter to Evgeni Plushenko (by Jeff Galbraith)

February 19, 2010

Dear Evgeni Plushenko,

Allow me to apologize for the gross injustice inflicted upon you and your beloved mother Russia that came in the form of what one could only loosely refer to as “judging” during this year’s men’s figure skating finals. How you suffered this indignation with such grace and humility was truly an Olympic miracle.

Presenting a gold metal to a “man” whose program does not include a quad is an utter sham. It sets the sport of figure skating back decades and offers definitive proof of an IOC agenda that men’s figure skating be dominated by sissies.

I propose the following: a new men’s figure skating club that only allows men that can consistently perform quads. This quad club will feature the greatest male figure skaters in the world and demonstrate the pinnacle of athleticism in the sport. Also, every skater who becomes part of the club will receive four gold rings to signify that he is part of this elite group of men. The club will have a secret knock; you guessed it—four quick knocks that will grant admission to the quad clubhouse, where men can just hang out eating steaks and talking about figure skating as men do.

I urge you to join the proposed club early. While many of the club positions have tentatively been filled, we still have an opening for secretary. Can I assume you’d be interested?

Sincerely,

Jeff Galbraith

Quad Club Founder

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Pindemonium!

February 13, 2010

I’ll be the first to admit that I collected and traded Olympic pins in 88. I’ll also confide that my pins were stolen from my backpack by a classmate. He was never caught, though I think I know who it was. There was no Encyclopedia Brown in my school to find that piece of case-breaking evidence for 25 cents. The culprit got a way with a pocket full of metal and enamel.

So you can understand why I’m a bit soured on the whole idea of pin trading. They can turn classmates into common thieves.

To me, pin traders are the band geeks of the Olympic movement. While the rest of the world is watching top athletes like Shaun White land mindblowing tricks like the Double McTwist 1260, or at least trying to pick up Swedish tourists at the bar, they’ll be in a pin trading pavilion exchanging some  obscure Sarajevo ’84 pin for a Heidi & Howdy ’88 pin (which was probably stolen from me).

I don’t expect everyone to get swept up in the sports, but the pin trading movement feels like someone trying to show off their spoon collection at a Metallica concert.

Then again, I’m sitting here blogging inside while the Olympics are happening all around me, so I feel a bit like the pot calling the kettle black.

On the topic of pins, PETA got into the spirit, creating their very own pin for the 2010 Games. Something tells me it won’t be endorsed by the Canadian Olympic Committee.

The Inukshuk goes clubbing

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We Stand On Guard For Thee (by Jeff Funnekotter)

February 12, 2010

I know it sounds like it’s a made up name, but Jeff Funnekotter is a Canadian sports nut who made the strange choice of leaving Canada a few months before the Games to travel Europe. That didn’t stop him from filing this story about Olympic fever in Holland:

A lot of questions spring to mind when one sees this billboard all  over Amsterdam.  What does it mean?  Is this an affront to the  Canadian flag, or a compliment? How ironic and sophomoric is the JC  Decaux reference?  What’s with the disturbing amount of thigh hair?  Why is that strange man taking a photo of it?

I can’t answer most of these but I do know that it’s an ad for a Dutch  radio station, as it turns out.  It indicates that a team of DJs – I’m  not sure if they are shock (or in this case, sock) jocks – is heading  to the Olympics and will be broadcasting live.  They want to call  attention to their Olympic package, I guess.  Perhaps they are feeling cocky about the Dutch team’s chances.  Who knows?

What we know is that Evers Staat Op – translated loosely, it means Evers Is On, even though the three DJs who comprise the team are named
Niels, Edwin, and Rick – are in a specially-built broadcast in Holland  Heinken House. This is located at the Minoru Arena in Richmond.

It’s open daily from 9am to 2am and is fairly mental by most Olympic venues’ standards from past Games. Holland Heineken House started at  the 1992 Barcelona games, so they will be used to the temperature in  Vancouver.

The Dutch tend to really get behind their athletes (I suspect the same can be said of the hairy-quadricepped gentleman here too), so it’s
worth checking out at some point to see a country that really goes nuts for its team.

(Thanks to Jeff for filing this)

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Athletes to watch for shirtless reasons: pandering to women

February 11, 2010

Alright, enough already.

I’ve received this request for far too many female readers to ignore it anymore. I guess since Twilight: New Moon is now a few months old, all the girls out there need some new abs to rub their eyes all over.

So, I’m going to put up this link to a series of male Canadian Olympic athletes posing shirtless, so you can all leave me alone for awhile.

To all the fellas, I apologize. I’ll be providing some new foxy female athletes soon.

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